friends.

...
why do I feel scandalous for saying that I feel alone?
doesn't everyone feel alone at times?
Even Jesus screamed "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?"
but I don't feel forsaken.

just lonely.

I mean, I have friends. I have a girlfriend. I have a loving church body. I have loving parents. I have loving family. I have God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit... it is interesting that put the spiritual ones last?
in all honesty I thought of my friends first as a reason for my loneliness.

Three years ago, I lived in a smallish town called roseburg. I had a mentor and friend in the faith that I met with once or twice a week. I had a friend who's house I went to every night after work, and we didn't really DO anything, we just watched movies and had occasion super deep conversations about random things...
I had a friend who I grew up with that i saw at least three times a week, and a band who was made up of close friends. I wasn't alone a whole lot.
But mostly, I always felt comfortable around them. like I could say anything, or do anything and i knew that they would love me and be friends no matter what.
Two years ago I moved to portland. God was calling me here, and I obeyed. I thought everything was supposed to feel right when you obeyed God....
I moved to portland with one of my not so close friends, and waited for the rest of friends to move up later.
they came, two, three, four months later.
but already something amiss.
it already wasn't the same.
looking back I realize that i started feeling this loneliness the day I moved. why is that?
sure one of my friends, the one who's place I always went over to, got marred. so in the natural way of things he became less available.
but we all lived, at most, 15 min away from each other! so we did all hang out like old times still, just less.
One year ago, I moved across portland on a word from God. I've made some friends here too!
but my old friends, the ones who really know me, are still over there. and on the rare occasion that we do hang out, I feel....
I don't know,
judged. pressured. like maybe my friends are wary of me, and now I have to watch what I'm saying...
I had a roommate here who I always found my self discussing random things with. I started feeling that same sense of welcome and relief around him. Then nature butted in again, and he got married and less available (sorry david ;)
then, an old friend who i had never really had the chance to settle into friendship with came a moved in with me. I was really excited because he didn't even have a girlfriend!
I thought we really connect and I felt that feeling of acceptance again. and although I was still sort of sad about my friends across town, despite being only 30 mins away still never hang out, I could begin to forget those pains of loss.
then he said he's moving out.
I'm still not entirely sure why. it's become awkward talking to him. It's not anything that he's done, or that I've done.
maybe I just feel rejected. He's moving across town to live the friends of mine who were my friends back in roseburg.

Am I being emotional. yes. I believe I am. but I'm not convinced that it's entirely misplaced.
it really hits you hard when you discover that you are more dependent on a person than they are of you.
I haven't shed any tears. but I can't sleep. I wish I did cry like a girl, so I could be over this feeling in my gut, whatever it is!
I hope that this feeling is just what I get for not finding my acceptance and all in Christ... if it's that, at least I know that I'm not just a old used friend. who, like a kid with a toy, was useful and fun for a while but then got boring and set aside.

I don't know what my purpose for writing this all down was.... just that, maybe it was a hope that through writing I might drain this loneliness from my fingertips and leave it on the keyboard.

stimulating

So I just got back from this run. Not a long run. in fact I mapped it out on www.mapmyrun.com and it was a total of 2.3 miles. I haven't running a whole lot lately and I found my self digging quite deep to finish strong! I was exhausted!
I walked around my apartments to cool off....
but I couldn't.
I kept breathing hard, sweat poring down my face and back. (gross I know)
I stretched,
did some push ups and arm curls with the bungee rope that I stole from my mom...(sorry mom)
and I was starting to get tunnel vision, like I had been pushing my self for hours in blistering heat after drinking only a tsp of water!
but that didn't scare me, I probably was dehydrated, I wasn't worried I'd pass out or anything! in fact,

I felt alive.

and once I sat in the shower to cool down with cold water spraying in my face, my mind felt incredibly clear!

I don't know if it's because I haven't really pushed myself physically for a while, or because I was really dehydrated and my body was being shot some chemical trying to keep me from dying but I loved it!

I got out of the shower only moments ago and my mind is racing!
it's strange when you see the different ways that our bodies are connected to our minds and to our spirits and everything!

needless to say,
I'll be running more.

Burn Out

Have you ever done something that didn't like doing for so long that every time you see someone, somewhere doing that something you start shudder in disgust? Not disgust of that person, mind. Not even disgust of that activity, but a general disgust of the feeling that so many people describe as "burn out"

So, for that last 10 months I have been living in a low-income apartment complex, with the idea in mind that me and my roommates are going to build community by sharing the love of Jesus in real, tangible ways. And in doing this, we would rescue the broken people from a broken world... or else give them a brief solace.
Part of our building community has been the idea of doing community meals, for which we invite all of our 200 hundred residents to a meal that a local church provides and we host. Then we eat, listen to the needs of people, meet them where and when we can, and share the good news of Christ! Its good! and fun! and rewarding! except....
the invitations.
going door,
to door,
to door,
etc.
...
knock knock.... no one's there.... knock knock.... still no one, so I leave a flyer saying when the meal will be in the door. as I'm doing this I look down and see the flyers from the last three meals strewn about the patio.
I hate/fear/dislike a whole lot, rejection.
THIS IS FREE FOOD!!!
we're not making anybody listen to a sermon first.
we're not calling people poor!
let's just meet our neighbors and have some of that good ol' Obama change!
I do this every week for 7 months,
then I we start doing it every other week for the summer months.
but still we have events, like Kids party's that local church's put on.
and summer lunch programs for kids,
and donation give away's,
and bible study's,
for which I go door,
to door,
to door,
feeling the same sense of rejection, the same hatred of passing out flyers.
there has to be a better way!
I don't know how the carpet baggers did it!
or those people down town that want you to save the world by giving your money to people who don't know how to change the world with it?
I better end it here, I have to make up a flyer for a thing this saturday...
save me lord.