friends.

...
why do I feel scandalous for saying that I feel alone?
doesn't everyone feel alone at times?
Even Jesus screamed "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?"
but I don't feel forsaken.

just lonely.

I mean, I have friends. I have a girlfriend. I have a loving church body. I have loving parents. I have loving family. I have God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit... it is interesting that put the spiritual ones last?
in all honesty I thought of my friends first as a reason for my loneliness.

Three years ago, I lived in a smallish town called roseburg. I had a mentor and friend in the faith that I met with once or twice a week. I had a friend who's house I went to every night after work, and we didn't really DO anything, we just watched movies and had occasion super deep conversations about random things...
I had a friend who I grew up with that i saw at least three times a week, and a band who was made up of close friends. I wasn't alone a whole lot.
But mostly, I always felt comfortable around them. like I could say anything, or do anything and i knew that they would love me and be friends no matter what.
Two years ago I moved to portland. God was calling me here, and I obeyed. I thought everything was supposed to feel right when you obeyed God....
I moved to portland with one of my not so close friends, and waited for the rest of friends to move up later.
they came, two, three, four months later.
but already something amiss.
it already wasn't the same.
looking back I realize that i started feeling this loneliness the day I moved. why is that?
sure one of my friends, the one who's place I always went over to, got marred. so in the natural way of things he became less available.
but we all lived, at most, 15 min away from each other! so we did all hang out like old times still, just less.
One year ago, I moved across portland on a word from God. I've made some friends here too!
but my old friends, the ones who really know me, are still over there. and on the rare occasion that we do hang out, I feel....
I don't know,
judged. pressured. like maybe my friends are wary of me, and now I have to watch what I'm saying...
I had a roommate here who I always found my self discussing random things with. I started feeling that same sense of welcome and relief around him. Then nature butted in again, and he got married and less available (sorry david ;)
then, an old friend who i had never really had the chance to settle into friendship with came a moved in with me. I was really excited because he didn't even have a girlfriend!
I thought we really connect and I felt that feeling of acceptance again. and although I was still sort of sad about my friends across town, despite being only 30 mins away still never hang out, I could begin to forget those pains of loss.
then he said he's moving out.
I'm still not entirely sure why. it's become awkward talking to him. It's not anything that he's done, or that I've done.
maybe I just feel rejected. He's moving across town to live the friends of mine who were my friends back in roseburg.

Am I being emotional. yes. I believe I am. but I'm not convinced that it's entirely misplaced.
it really hits you hard when you discover that you are more dependent on a person than they are of you.
I haven't shed any tears. but I can't sleep. I wish I did cry like a girl, so I could be over this feeling in my gut, whatever it is!
I hope that this feeling is just what I get for not finding my acceptance and all in Christ... if it's that, at least I know that I'm not just a old used friend. who, like a kid with a toy, was useful and fun for a while but then got boring and set aside.

I don't know what my purpose for writing this all down was.... just that, maybe it was a hope that through writing I might drain this loneliness from my fingertips and leave it on the keyboard.